What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 01:30
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was seconnd youngest,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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All the time i was locked up.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
What are some medical-grade red light therapy devices?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I think the readers, may guess!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
In bed, not in music, which is better, a drummer or a bass player?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I could never make a relationship work though!
How short is too short for a skirt?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I have no regrets .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
What have I done wrong? How can I start over?
We all went to grammer schools
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One cannot live in the past .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it wasn’t much.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I will be 64.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was 9 years of age.
Comes on , in middle age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She married twice! .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was very sick at this time too.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Put me off passion for life!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were not on the streets..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He knew the spot.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When she asked me how she looked .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I waited trembling.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So whats the point in blame.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She found it foreign!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I write beautiful poetry .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
This is soul school!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Would this be the day?
So, i spoilt her more .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My family never makes their pension either.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My life is so biszare .
Why did i forgive my father ?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She wouldn,t have been !
He resisted the act ,that day.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was in good health!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Especially a lifetime of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im still living with it.
I was scared of men, in general
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i lived it daily.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
What did i know ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But, we were locked up after school.
Who then, do I blame.?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She loved him until the end.
I said to her
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Ive learnt so much.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It was going to be , some day.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I don,t even have a pension.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..